TRIGGER WARNING: Childhood SA, Trauma, Bullying, Mental Health, Body Image Issues, Sexual Exploration
As mentioned already, my name is Izzy (she/her/they). I am a 25 year old girlie - however I am gender fluid. This is because I am AMAB, and outside of the internet live a very hetro-leaning lifestyle currently. Izzy is a persona I have made after a long journey of self discovery and unfortunate events - and despite being a persona she is very much a part of me and I will touch upon it in more detail later on in this explanation.
Long before Izzy existed, I was a pretty normal kid - arguably quite angelic and sweet. Because of some of these features, and what I suspect is undiagnosed autism, I was relentlessly bullied throughout my formative years. This resulted in me being rather withdrawn and isolated.
When I was around 9, my family went on holiday to Spain, where they encouraged me to engage in a holiday club. It was at this holiday club where I was, for lack or for better words, molested multiple times by teenagers who were older than me. This exposed me to sexual acts way too early, and resulted in me becoming even further withdrawn - and unbeknownst to me at the time, slightly traumatised. This is something I have never told my parents or anyone else - I have kept this to myself until now.
Throughout secondary school, I grappled with my sexuality, experimenting with self-exploration without much clue with what I was doing. I tried whatever phallic objects I could find, and frankly it hurt because I was unaware the anus is not self lubricating. I concluded that I was not gay - most likely, but perhaps I would be into butt stuff. Due to my life experiences up until this point I had quite a lot of negative experiences with girls - so it was quite nice when I started dating my first girlfriend. However, things moved way too fast for my liking and I got scared. This made me question that perhaps there is something wrong with me as to why others were able to engage in this modern causal sex culture like its nothing - where as I could not. I came to the conclusion that I really need to feel a connection with the person before I can even remotely feel attracted to them - hence I discovered I am demisexual.
From there the pandemic happened, and I did a bunch of life stuff and somewhere along the line I found out about erotic audios - specifically Shibby (aka KinkyShibby). Curiosity got the better of me with some of the audios, and before I knew it I was listening to them pretty regularly. One of Shibbys series in particular is what caused Izzy to appear.
I then found comfort in knowing that I could relegate my submissive feelings to Izzy, who could experience things for the both of us - without my ego getting hurt or having to experience the preparation or clean up that comes with real sex. This mostly culminated in my using Shibbys triggers with Lucid Dreaming - giving Izzy free range of my mind while it was asleep. I found that Izzy very much became a comforting presence in my life and has helped me overcome a lot of the issues I had.
I found solace in experiencing femininity vicariously through Izzy, indulging in gender affirming practices, and deeper exploration of my identity. This culminated in me partaking in activities that would heighten my connection to Izzy, such as buying and wearing lingerie, cute clothes and focusing on my fitness goals to create a body that felt harmonious between my more controlled heterosexual self and Izzy (specifically, this was a more pear shaped body, which emphasised curves through working out my hips and glutes - and honestly I mostly got lucky with genetics here). These actions are rooted in unity and self-respect. I wanted to feel sexy and confident, and through Izzy, I have a safe space to explore experiences that I might never pursue in real life.
Generally, I consider myself gender fluid because of what I have experienced with Izzy. I am Izzy, but I am also myself. And I like both parts of me. Idealistically, in the future gender affirming care will be better to where I can be both myself and Izzy on a whim, but until then I am happy to spend time with Izzy in private, and continue to explore my sexuality.