Izzy editor note: might update again in the future :3
Izzy editor note: this is like the 5th draft of this... i think i need to get better at writing lol
TRIGGER WARNING: Childhood SA, Trauma, Bullying, Mental Health, Body Image Issues, Sexual Exploration
My name is Izzy (she/her/they). I am 25 and gender fluid (AMAB), but mostly live as male presenting outside of the internet and my own house. The name Izzy comes from Isabelle, the name my mother would have given me if I was born AFAB, but I like it and it feels true to me.
I spent most of my childhood isolated and withdrawn, mostly due to relentless bullying and some events that happened in my adolescence. This was mostly from my male peers, and I generally was on pretty good terms with girls so that is where my only real socialisation came from. When I was nine my family had a holiday to Spain, where I was repeatedly molested by older teenagers. This experience made me more withdrawn and messed me up quite a bit.
I found that anime and videogames became a vital part to my escape from the real world. I often imagined myself as the female characters I would watch/play as, enjoying the feeling of dressing up vicariously through them. In addition, a lot of the games I would play as a kid would be aimed at a girl audience rather than a male one.
Once I got to college, I finally made real friends and began to understand what healthy relationships with people my own age really looked like. I then started dating when I was around 17, and the few relationships I did have didn’t last long because they moved too fast for my comfort. I need real connections with people before I could feel any kind of attraction to someone - which led me to reading more about identities and my own demisexuality.
During the pandemic, I became acquainted with erotic audios, particularly by Shibby (KinkyShibby) - which helped me explore my submissive side. I then dug deeper into her library and found more safe for work audios relating to gender affirmation. This made cogs start to spin in my head, and made me further analyse my life up until this point.
I realised that for a long time, I had been repressing a very feminine side of myself, and so I began to embrace this feminine side more. I started buying cute clothes, lingerie and other feminine items and knick knacks. I started grooming myself more and engaging in skin care. I also focused more on dieting and my fitness goals, aiming for a body that felt more comfortable for both sides of myself.
These gender-affirming practices brought me a sense of comfort and self acceptance. It allowed me to truly explore and embrace my own femininity in a safe and private space and has made me a much happier person overall. I feel very liberated and more authentically myself.
In my daily life, I present as a male as it is easier and more socially acceptable to do so, however in my own home I fully embrace my feminine side. My decor is quite girly, and I exclusively wear feminine clothes. This duality is who I am. I am both a male and a female, inside of a male flesh suit. And I don’t particularly mind this.
To me, transitioning is something I have considered, but isn’t something I would do in this flesh suit. I am very much part man and part woman - so I do not know how I would really react to the changes hormones would do to me. Additionally I feel that I am at a pretty good point of being somewhat androgynous. Further more, I feel that the current methods would not allow me to give my femininity the justice it really deserves, but I am quite optimistic about the future of gender affirming care and sci-fi-esque body modding to come. Until then, I am quite happy with how things are, and continuing to explore myself.
I really don't know where to like put it in this text, but obviously I have never felt arousal to myself when I dress in feminine clothing. To me, dressing this way feels like true to myself. It feels right. Idk how to word it lol.
I feel like I would transition if the technology progresses in the next 15 years though. I'm picturing like cyberpunk-esque body modding where I can change my entire body from the ground up. I think that is the only way I could give my femininity the bio-flesh suit it really deserves, and until then I am quite content with what life has given me :3