Izzy editor note: might update again in the future :3
TRIGGER WARNING: Childhood SA, Trauma, Bullying, Mental Health, Body Image Issues, Sexual Exploration
As mentioned already, my name is Izzy (she/her/they). I am a 25 year old girlie - however I am genderfluid. This is because I am AMAB, and outside of the internet live a very hetro-leaning lifestyle currently. Izzy is a persona embodying my feminine side, which I have uncovered after a long journey of self discovery and unfortunate events - and despite being a persona she is very much a part of me and I will touch upon it in more detail later on in this explanation.
Long before Izzy had a name, I was a pretty normal kid - arguably quite angelic and sweet. Because of some of these features, and what I suspect is undiagnosed autism, I was relentlessly bullied throughout my formative years. This resulted in me being rather withdrawn and isolated.
When I was around 9, my family went on holiday to Spain, where they encouraged me to engage in a holiday club. It was at this holiday club where I was, for lack or for better words, molested multiple times by teenagers who were older than me. This exposed me to sexual acts way too early, and resulted in me becoming even further withdrawn - and unbeknownst to me at the time, slightly traumatised. This is something I have never told my parents or anyone else - I have kept this to myself until now.
Throughout secondary school, I struggled with my sexuality, experimenting with self-exploration without much understanding of my feelings. I eventually concluded that I wasn't gay, but I knew something was different. I would often watch a lot of anime and play video games, feeling an inexplicable desire to embody the female characters I watched/played as, enjoying the experience of dressing up vicariously through them.
Due to my life experiences up until this point I had quite a lot of negative experiences with trusting and opening up to people - so it was quite nice when I started dating my first girlfriend. However, things moved way too fast for my liking and I got scared. This made me question that perhaps there is something wrong with me as to why others were able to engage in this modern causal sex culture like its nothing - where as I could not. I came to the conclusion that I really need to feel a connection with the person before I can even remotely feel attracted to them - hence I discovered I am a demisexual.
From there the pandemic happened, and I did a bunch of life stuff and somewhere along the line I found out about erotic audios - specifically Shibby (aka KinkyShibby). Curiosity got the better of me with some of the audios, and before I knew it I was listening to them pretty regularly. One of Shibbys series in particular is what caused what is now referred to as Izzy to appear.
Through Izzy, I found comfort in embracing my submissive feelings - she is me, but also distinct from me, embodying all my submissive and feminine desires. I found traditional sexual (anal) experiences to be complicated and messy (in terms of prep and clean up); however, engaging with this audio content allowed me to explore submission and achieve a different kind of orgasms I wasn’t very familiar with, which felt very feminine. This exploration progressed into using Shibby's triggers within lucid dreaming, allowing me to explore my femininity as Izzy to a much greater degree of freedom. Izzy's existance became a comforting thing, helping me navigate many of my challenges and past traumas.
Experiencing femininity through Izzy's existence has provided me solace, prompting me to engage in gender-affirming practices and explore my identity more deeply. I began to indulge in activities that heightened my femininity, such as buying cute clothes, cute thing, cute lingerie and focusing on fitness goals that would help create a body I felt reflected both my "male" heterosexual self and my "feminine" self (Izzy). (Regarding my fitness goals: I aimed for a pear-shaped figure that emphasised curves through working out my hips and glutes - a goal I mostly achieved, honestly benefiting most from lucky genetics and good dieting). These actions are rooted in unity and self-respect; I wanted to feel sexy and confident, and through being one with Izzy, I have cultivated a safe space to explore experiences I might not pursue in real life.
Generally, I consider myself gender fluid because of what I have experienced with Izzy. I am Izzy, but I am also myself. And I like both parts of me. Idealistically, in the future gender affirming care will be better to where I can be both myself and Izzy on a whim, but until them I am happy to spend time with Izzy in private, and continue to explore my sexuality. It very much is not a fetish to me. This is a real part of myself which I am glad to have discovered.
Admittedly, I think I would really consider transitioning fully if I could like completely alter my body from the ground up - but as I can’t, and I am quite content as both a man and a woman. I am vibing with what life has given me :3