I need to rework this a lot before I link to it properly. If you have found this idk??? Hi :3 I love u !
For quite a large part of my life, I have been grappling with my identity and how I present myself to the world. As someone who was assigned males at birth, I primarily live my life as male, but I often express my femininity in private. At home, I exclusively wear feminine clothing, and my mannerisms(i.e speech and movement) feel more aligned with my feminine side. My body type is also quite feminine for an AMAB without hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and I take care of my skin and grooming in ways that are often associated with femininity.
In many ways I see myself as both male and female (hence taking the label gender fluid). I feel as though I am both, but I lack the confidence to express my femininity in public. I feel as though to do so would not do it the justice it really deserves while I am in my male meat suit. However, I have done the best I can to embrace an androgynous form which I like. Generally I don’t mind being a male, especially as I have been raised as a male. But like I often have spirals into hating my male form and wishing things were different.
But to me, transitioning is not something I could do as it currently stands. The current gender affirming care to me, is underwhelming. I believe that it really requires a good starting point, otherwise the result will often be disappointing to many. I think in terms of my body, I would probably luck out if I were to do hrt, but other features would need further cosmetic surgery so it doesn’t really seem worth it to me. Additionally, I know that I would react poorly to hormonal mood shifts, and bounce between dysphorias and potentially (extremely likely in my case) spiral down bad thought loops.
I feel as though my body is quite versatile, and androgynous enough for me to present as either a male or a female in a given moment with relative ease though, so I am not opposed to how things are currently. My only complaint is that that I am somewhat limited in some of the aesthetic options I can pull off - mostly due to my lack of breasts* (sadly many cute dresses!!), which like I would want them but in a way that is realistic but not permanent.
To some degree my issues are with long term commitment to ever changing techniques, which very likely will rapidly improve within the next 15 - 20 years. By the time “twink death” really comes for me, I believe that gender affirming care will be significantly better. It is only upon then, when these sci-fi-esque body modding techniques exist that transitioning would be appealing to me. To me it just kinda feels like an inevitability in the next two decades. Research is already being done in some areas, so I imagine that these results will eventually trickle down to normal everyday people.
* i know you can buy silicon breasts, but this is not what I want. They wouldn’t feel like they are actually a part of my body due to the way that they attach. I’m after something more like having the place where the breasts would be to be like augmented, so like you can get breasts made from your cells and swap between having breasts and not having them whenever it feels comfortable - assuming I am to remain in my male flesh suit. Otherwise I would much rather just redesign my body from the ground up.